This Is Not Porn

Complete schmoop. This is as saccharine as I'm liable to get. You really should watch this for it to make sense.


She lets out a sigh as she tilts her head, giving me more access to her neck. We’ve been making out aimlessly for the past half hour, long lazy kisses as we stretched out on the couch. She tightens her legs around my hips, and it seems like things are starting to heat up.

She slips a hand under my shirt, reaches up to unhook my bra. I urge her on, “Yeah, come on baby.”

I freeze, give her my best dear in head lights impression. She looks as surprised as I am. “Am I... Am I overwetting your neck?” A giggle bubbles up and I can’t stop it.

“Oh, fuck off.” She tries to shove me off but I can tell that her annoyance is feigned. Mostly.

“It's the engines Cap'n, they canna take it!” It’s embarrassing how funny I’m finding this.

“You know, just because you’re a dick doesn’t mean you actually have one. I’m pretty sure you can’t use the melty man excuse in a lesbian relationship.”

That just sets me off harder.

She rolls her eyes in tolerant amusement. “You are such a pain in my ass.”

“And what a delectable ass it is.” I pause as I’m crawling off of her to give it an appreciative bite.

“Brat. I’d take you over my knee if I didn’t think you’d enjoy it.”

“Sorry!” I’m not even a little repentant. “How about I make it up to you?”

“Explosions?” she asks suspiciously.

I count them off on my fingers. “John McClane going up against helicopters, a massage, and oral sex.”

“Add hot cocoa to the list and I'll ask you to marry me.”

“Not til it’s legal. When I leave you for a hot young coed I'm taking half of everything.”

"Fair enough. Now go to the kitchen and git me some pie, woman."

I cheerfully flip her off as I go on a hunt for tiny marshmallows. I don't think I've ever been this happy.


See? Told ya.

What I'm Listening to Right Now: Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet