Saturday, 29 December 2012

Let's Talk

"Let's talk about sex baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk about sex." - Salt-n-Pepa

She loves sex. There's just something about the intimacy of two people connecting physically. Being inside another person, having another person inside her. She loves sex. The stuff before and after, that's what she dislikes. Women are fucking difficult. Riddles too complicated for her solve. She finds herself time after time treading water with no sight of dry land. Fuck water, she's treading quicksand that stretches for miles around. And it's been years since she's found solid ground. Women to her are as convoluted as that metaphor.

She strikes another match, watches it flare up, burn til it's almost reached her fingers and lets it go. It falls into the water with a small hiss. Nearly inaudible. That's every flirtation she's had with another woman right there she thinks rolling her eyes at her own melodrama.

It would be better is she was better at pretense. But her problem is that she starts a lie and then gets bored of it. How many people has she presented herself as at this point? Too many by far. But none of them are anyone she wants to be. And as the constraints she puts herself into begin to chafe, she starts to resent the person she's put herself in them for.  But she keeps doing it. Because anything is better than letting someone know her for who she is. Because she learned the hard way that rejection hurts more when you show up as yourself.

But celibacy is shit. That's the problem. That's her biggest flaw. As much as she hates the bullshit that comes with the performance you put on for another person to get them into bed, she hates celibacy more. She's so hungry for touch, for intimacy that she plods on playing games she has no business and no interest in playing. Because that's what it all is. A big game of Let's Play Pretend. Let me pretend to be someone I'm not. Someone less awkward, someone less shitty and someone infinitely less fucked up.

All for a pair of soft lips press against her own. All to feel another woman's arms wrapped around her, to lie between a woman's legs.. to run her hands over her body, learn it by touch. All because. So she keeps dancing to tune after unfamiliar tune. She's so tired of the bullshit but it's her only option. Humans are a funny lot. Full of want. That's what she is really, a big ball of frustrated desires. It burns like a sun inside of her, just beneath her solar plexus. This want. Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink she thinks to herself. She shakes her head. Stupid. 

Friday, 1 June 2012

Follow Friday: Shibeeb

So this is a new thing I'm going to do now. Instead of having an #FF thing where I list a bunch of names each week on twitter.. each week I'm going to pick one person and do a post on them.

My first #FF is going to be @Shibeeb because my first #FF is always Shibeeb. Some of you may not know this because I don't talk about it as much as I used to but.. he's one of the people dearest to my heart. I actually don't feel about anyone the same way I feel about him, and I'm going to explain why.

To explain how I feel about Shibeeb, first I have to explain how I feel about my brother.

Yes, I have a brother. An older brother about Shibeeb's age.

For the first years of my life, it was just me and my brother. And even when my younger sisters were born, it was still me and my brother. He was my whole world you see. My strong, beautiful, funny brother. Everything he did and said was special. Because he was my big brother. And I know it's silly but no one could make me feel as safe.

We fought, we played, we loved and hated each other. And then my brother grew up. And some time after that, I grew up too. And we didn't really know each other anymore. He was still my strong, beautiful, funny brother.. but I was someone else. And the older I got, the harder it became for me to tell him who that was. And the more of a stranger I became, the less safe he made me feel.

Eventually, I came to terms with it. I didn't need my brother anymore. And maybe I didn't want him either.

I met Shibeeb on twitter and he's not like my brother at all. Except for all the ways he is. Even though they're very different, he reminds of my brother so much. Except I can tell him who I am and he never has anything but love for me.

See, Shibeeb is strong, beautiful and funny just like my brother. But his mind isn't as closed. And it seems to me that his heart is so much more open. And he makes me laugh. And unlike my brother, he sometimes laughs with me. I mean, obviously they both laugh *at* me all the time. But sometimes Shibeeb laughs with me. And he's one of the sweetest, best guys on (and off) twitter. Seriously, he's such a good person. It's crazy. But also, he's not too good to be the perverted asshole I love.

And that's why you should follow him this Friday.