Monday, 19 April 2010


So I thought I'd try my hand at writing hetero fiction. Then I decided in for a penny, in for a pound. I'll right het from a male perspective. Not just any male. A stereotypical misguided douchebag. You think my bias is showing? (I know that's not all you guys out there, but probably what I'd be if I was born with a Y chromosome, half my male relatives, and 40% of my male friends.)


She said, "Listen, you're not really my type but I'm horny, you're available, and I have an oral fixation. So how about I suck your cock."

That's when he knew he hit the fucking jackpot.

She tells him that even though he can be a stupid fuck sometimes, he's still her friend and she doesn't want sex to fuck that up. She asks him if he's going to be weird about it.

She's obviously crazy about him.

That's what girls do, you know. They play mind games. They pretend they don't want to marry you and have your babies so that you'll want to marry them and impregnate them and shit.

She is so obvious it's a little sad.

She pretends that she doesn't mind when he fucks other girls when he tells her about it. She even asks when she's feeling particularly friendly. "Are you still seeing that girl from that party?"

She's pretending of course. Why else would she not fuck anybody else but him?

He asks her that and she laughs and asks him why he'd think that. He tells her he can tell, that he's the only one she's been with. She looks a little nervous, like maybe she's afraid he'll know that she's in love with him. She asks again if he's going to get weird about it. He bets she's waiting to get him to propose or some shit. Probably has the dress all picked out.

She tells him that there are a couple of guys, but she's not serious about anyone. She's lying of course. Wants him to get jealous. Trap him into something he's not ready for. Fucking girls.

So of course he's when she sits you down and tell him she can't be fucking around with him anymore. She met this guy, thinks he's special. Has he been reading the signals wrong? Is he on a completely different page? Fuck it, she's probably making shit up to get him to commit. Fat fucking chance. She's the one who's in love with him. After all, girls can't separate sex and feelings, they're just not built that way. Scientific goddamn fact.

So he tells her fine, yeah, what the fuck do es he care if she wants to break things off. He's got dozens of girls he could fuck instead. Hundreds even. She looks worried for a second, probably scared that her little plan isn't working. What does she expect, him to get down on one knee and declare his undying love? Fat fucking chance.

So he waits for her to come crawling back to him, but it's a month or so before he sees her again, but for the occasional 'friendly' facebook shit. He sese her at a party once, wrapped around some dude. He wonders how she knew he's be there, and how she got the poor shmuck to play her boyfriend. All that effort to get into his head with her little mind games.

So he avoids her. The traitorous bitch. Trying her best to break his heart.

He sees it a few months down the line. An honest to God goddamn engagement announcement. He can't believe the lengths she would go to, just to get him to fucking commit.

She's probably going to marry that poor bastard. Trap him into a life of monogamy. Waking up to her face every morning. Pretending to be in love with the sucker. Kissing him all open mouthed and dirty like a fucking whore. He bets that bastards can't get her breath to hitch just the right way when he fucks her just right. He bets the fucker's got a tiny dick. Looks like he has a small dick. She's settling for a guy with a small dick who doesn't even know how to fuck her right, all in an attempt to get over him.


What I'm Listening to Right Now: Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division