Thursday, 27 November 2008

Please Please Please

Oh, please won’t you stop breaking my heart.

It keeps getting broken, and I have to piece it together over and over. It’s chipped and cracked, the faults spelling out the secrets of the universe if only I knew enough to read them.

It curls inside my breast, aching, like a hand cupping something precious.
It’s so delicate, like a dandelion puff, falling apart at the slightest provocation. A smile, a picture, the sunset, the rain, a story, a film, a song. Begging to be broken just on more time.

I feel it right there below my ribs, and my breath hitches and it hurts, god so pretty.

Oh, please, don’t you stop breaking my heart.

What I’m Listening to Right Now: غايب حبيبي – عبدالمجيد عبدالله

Saturday, 22 November 2008

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys

Or extroverted antisocial half-assed lesbians with delusions of literary grandeur either.

Most of my days are like chalk sketches on a busy sidewalk, insignificant and worn away by the tread of many feet. I live a decent enough life, but not much happens that is of great value to me. I sleep I wake I laugh I cry, over and over, until it all blurs together, after all it’s only life. Then comes a piece of time that I can snatch out of the jaws of inconsequence. A moment, an hour, a day, an afternoon. An otherwise insignificant singularity that means something to me.

Last night I was with my family at the beach house as usual. They decided to opt out of the ocean view and instead sat out facing the road and the setting sun. A couple of hours into the evening I decided to sneak off for a smoke break. As a friend would say, open scene.

The beach was dark; the surrounding houses oddly abandoned for the weekend. The wind kept tugging on me insistently and the waves were making their presence felt, dashing themselves on the sand with wild abandon. Not the most idyllic setting but lovely nonetheless. Still I could see why people wanting a more… tranquil weekend would choose to be elsewhere. I walked past a couple of properties before finding an alcove in one property’s unforgiving wall, some concrete steps leading from the sand to the gate. I laid back onto the damp chill stone as the water churned before me. Jeff Buckley crooned his sorrow into my ear as I held the cigarette to my lips and drew my first smoke-filled breath of the evening. Bliss.

In other news, does anyone else want to edit artistically shot dimly lit non-porn sex scenes to certain songs? I was listening to Esthero’s I Drive Alone in the car and I just couldn’t. Get. It. Out. Of. My head. Face to face, mouths parted lips nearly touching but not quite there. Cut. Mouth skimming across jaw line, down neck, resting on collarbone. Cut. Hand making its way down inner thigh. Cut. Head tilted back neck arched as mouth is put to breast. Slow, fast, then slow again. Hands, jaws, mostly profiles, always coming back to the mouth. So. Just me then?

Soon, a morning on beach cleanup duty and an afternoon reconnecting with a friend while constantly forgetting to use my indoor voice.

What I’m Listening to Right Now: Ravel’s Bolero – Herbert Von Karajan at the Berliner Philharmonie

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Flies in Your Eyes

I think I would work much better as a character in a satirical work of literature bordering on the ridiculous, someone thought up on the toilet to fill up the empty spaces between plot development.

I have so much love for Never Mind the Buzzcocks, even if it's not as funny this year. There's nothing quite like mean spirited humor to put a smile on my face.

James Lance played gay sexaholic recovering addict morally ambiguous Spaniard superhero Timebomb on the British comedy series No Heroics. What's not to like about that?

I don't think I'll ever stop loving The Daily Show even if it does get on my nerves sometimes. Mostly an episode can get at least one giggle out of me.

Also, I love Eddie Izzard's standup.

There's something very peaceful about reading mildly depressing gay erotic fiction while you're smoking in your underwear in an empty bathtub.

God, I have such a long week ahead of me. I'm going to have to wake up, get out of bed, show up and do things. This week I can't just faff around pretending to be functional. I find this worrying and somewhat overwhelming.

For the first time since the weather turned, I haven't gone to my grandad's beach house for the weekend, which is a pity since it was a a full moon. Last time my astronomy hobbyist uncle brought out his telescope and we saw Jupiter and the Galilean moons which was pretty cool (and how come there's not a band called that?).

What I'm Listening to Right Now: You Were The Last High - The Dandy Warhols

Friday, 14 November 2008

Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog

Only without the doctorate and the singing. Basically, just the horrible part.

Yesterday I let my fear get the best me. Yesterday I proved myself a coward. Yesterday I felt sick and ashamed and very very small. Yesterday I played the homophobe.

A Little Background:
So I’m taking a 400 level ethics related class, which more or less functions as a discussion group. The instructor isn’t exactly a dick but she gets on my nerves. She stated that religion will not factor into our discussion because it’s hard to find a consensus which you know, thank you Yahweh/God/Allah/Buddha (Hey Brendon, does Buddha fit here or is he more of a Moses/Jesus/Mohammed figure? Please excuse my ignorance in all things non Abrahamic). Then the other week she brings abortion up as an example of something that is legal but not moral (in the States of course because god forbid we have that sort of thing here) which made me go, ”Whoa Nelly,” because wait what now?

So I question where the immoral part comes from, and that just because one person considers an act immoral does not necessarily make it so. She says something about scale and denial of victim and how murder is murder. I point out that it’s murder only if you consider a fetus human, which a lot of people don’t, but she waves it away, claims it as Neutralization and that abortion isn’t what we’re talking about and mlves on.

I’m the only one who spoke out, the only one who thought what she said was wrong, hell the only one who admits to liberal leanings. Fuck it though, it’s not like I’m having abortions on the sly. It’s easy to defend something you’re somewhat removed from.

The Main Event, Sort Of:
Yesterday’s discussion was about media as ethics carriers. So what does she bring up? How the Liberal Western Brainwashing Media is representing the Sick Fuck Gays as Normal, or something of the sort. Now, I could have stayed quiet, I could have. But I didn’t, because that would have been odd for me.

So I made a couple of comments just to show how abhorrent I found that business before ‘joking’ that they probably considered ‘them’ to be part of society, so they included them for diversity’s sake just like black Asian and Hispanic characters. Just to prove my Straight Cred I made a couple of scoffing asides to the girl sitting next to me. It was just a couple of minutes of the entire discussion but it feel endless.

Why did I do that? Because I’m not used to feeling so exposed and vulnerable, and I hated it. Because all wishful thinking aside, I can’t come out, I just can’t, I'm not brave enough. Because I’m a gutless fucking coward who is never going to stand up for her beliefs. Because I don’t want to lose the liking and respect of people I don’t even fucking care about.

So I’m angry at myself, and sickened by the truth of who i reall am when all is said and done. I’m mad at my professor for being a stupid cunting fuck. I’m just, god so disappointed in myself and ashamed for not having the courage of my convictions.

In slightly related news: Goodbye month and a week of being smoke-free.

What I’m Listening to Right Now: Saga of The Ageing Orphan – Thin Lizzy

PS. Those who can do, those who can't read about those who do, sort of. The Kids Aren't Alright by samdome. A fake Vanity Fair article about Tony Stark AKA Iron Man. This is Tony Stark at his best. If you know, he was real, and was the Tony Stark that lived inside my head. So good, and realistic. Great voice, great analysis of the character, just amazing overall.

Saturday, 8 November 2008

Pandora's Box

Along with a side of Hope came a big ol' helping of Nasty.

So I was planning to celebrate Obama’s win the way I mark most occasions, with mediocre lesbian word porn. Now I may not be a ‘concerned party’ (more concerned than party) but I was still unequivocally on his side. So I was happy for Americans and cautiously optimistic for the rest of us. Also, thanking the Holy Fucking Intelligent Designer that the presence of Republican idiocy on my TV was going to be diluted. I was as near happy as I can get.

Then I found out that every single anti-gay ballot initiative up for a vote on Election Day passed with flying colors. Every. Single. One.

Now I’m not very surprised that Florida voted to pass proposition 2 and ‘protect’ straight marriage (everyone knows everything you have is less special if everyone can get it), after all they voted for Bush. Twice. Arizona is McCaine country, so again, not too surprised. I’m not even surprised that Arkansas decided to do their best to prevent gay couples from adopting or fostering children (hey maybe their Child Welfare can afford to turn away decent parents). So what if it’s an incredibly dick move that stems from nothing but ignorance and selfishness? So what?

What really knocked me on my ass was California’s passing of proposition 8. Apparently even LA county decided to go with yes on 8. Really? Really? Because ‘and Gomorrah’ sounds so much better?

So no America, you did not do as well as you thought you did. No girl on girl fiction of questionable quality for you.

The United States: All of the Prejudices of Home, None of the Comforts

*Puts another line under USA on list of places I’m definitely not immigrating to if I was actually going to immigrate.*

On a less Oh God Oh God This Can’t Really Be The Twenty First Century note: Colorado voted down Amendment 48, which would have defined a "person" from the point of egg fertilization. (You have to wonder what the authors were smoking when they penned this gem.) Anti-abortion Measure 11 in South Dakota which would have started the ball rolling on a challenge to Roe Vs. Wade and Proposition 4 in California which would have mandated parental notification for girls under 18 and mandated a 48 hour waiting period were also rejected. (California this makes up for nothing.)

See this article for more ballot initiative results.

What I'm Listening To Right Now: Never Gonna Change - Drive-By Truckers

Monday, 3 November 2008

Good Day Sunshine

This morning was mine. Today nature decided to begin a day just for me. She made a morning so pretty it broke my heart, and placed it in my hands, gentle as a kiss.

Other people have their summers. They have their long lazy days as they lay on the warm sand. They have the gritty feel of sand on their legs and the coconut smell of suntan oil. They have their bright sunshine, their runs in the park. They have their freshly cut grass and melting ice-cream cones.

I have the first overcast day of the year. I have the soft rain steadily falling on the water of the marina, on the stones of the courtyard, on the ridiculous green lampposts. I have little brown birds smaller than my hand hopping on the ledge, feathers fluffed up and damp. I have the tentative touch of the cool breeze soft on my face like a hesitant lover. I have the weak sunlight slowly but surely making its presence known. I have the clean smell of wet dirt as I make my way back to my car.

More rainy days will come. I will probably tire of them. I’ll get distracted. I’ll spend them indoors and let them pass me by. I may even long for the heat of summer.

None of that will erase that this morning was mine.

What I'm Listening to Right Now: Grace - Jeff Buckley

P.S. You should definitely read Wandering by HZ, which is this sweet beautiful short story about a friendship between the Earth and a comet. If you're going to anthropomorphize heavenly bodies, this is definitely the way to go.