Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog

Only without the doctorate and the singing. Basically, just the horrible part.

Yesterday I let my fear get the best me. Yesterday I proved myself a coward. Yesterday I felt sick and ashamed and very very small. Yesterday I played the homophobe.

A Little Background:
So I’m taking a 400 level ethics related class, which more or less functions as a discussion group. The instructor isn’t exactly a dick but she gets on my nerves. She stated that religion will not factor into our discussion because it’s hard to find a consensus which you know, thank you Yahweh/God/Allah/Buddha (Hey Brendon, does Buddha fit here or is he more of a Moses/Jesus/Mohammed figure? Please excuse my ignorance in all things non Abrahamic). Then the other week she brings abortion up as an example of something that is legal but not moral (in the States of course because god forbid we have that sort of thing here) which made me go, ”Whoa Nelly,” because wait what now?

So I question where the immoral part comes from, and that just because one person considers an act immoral does not necessarily make it so. She says something about scale and denial of victim and how murder is murder. I point out that it’s murder only if you consider a fetus human, which a lot of people don’t, but she waves it away, claims it as Neutralization and that abortion isn’t what we’re talking about and mlves on.

I’m the only one who spoke out, the only one who thought what she said was wrong, hell the only one who admits to liberal leanings. Fuck it though, it’s not like I’m having abortions on the sly. It’s easy to defend something you’re somewhat removed from.

The Main Event, Sort Of:
Yesterday’s discussion was about media as ethics carriers. So what does she bring up? How the Liberal Western Brainwashing Media is representing the Sick Fuck Gays as Normal, or something of the sort. Now, I could have stayed quiet, I could have. But I didn’t, because that would have been odd for me.

So I made a couple of comments just to show how abhorrent I found that business before ‘joking’ that they probably considered ‘them’ to be part of society, so they included them for diversity’s sake just like black Asian and Hispanic characters. Just to prove my Straight Cred I made a couple of scoffing asides to the girl sitting next to me. It was just a couple of minutes of the entire discussion but it feel endless.

Why did I do that? Because I’m not used to feeling so exposed and vulnerable, and I hated it. Because all wishful thinking aside, I can’t come out, I just can’t, I'm not brave enough. Because I’m a gutless fucking coward who is never going to stand up for her beliefs. Because I don’t want to lose the liking and respect of people I don’t even fucking care about.

So I’m angry at myself, and sickened by the truth of who i reall am when all is said and done. I’m mad at my professor for being a stupid cunting fuck. I’m just, god so disappointed in myself and ashamed for not having the courage of my convictions.

In slightly related news: Goodbye month and a week of being smoke-free.

What I’m Listening to Right Now: Saga of The Ageing Orphan – Thin Lizzy

PS. Those who can do, those who can't read about those who do, sort of. The Kids Aren't Alright by samdome. A fake Vanity Fair article about Tony Stark AKA Iron Man. This is Tony Stark at his best. If you know, he was real, and was the Tony Stark that lived inside my head. So good, and realistic. Great voice, great analysis of the character, just amazing overall.